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what, no cookies?
you know about the voices that speaks in your head?i listen to them somtimes. most of the times. sometimes they tell me good things. sometimes they make me wish for bad things. |
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about this blog
it's basically the inside of sakinah's brain.but mercifully edited, censored, and anaesthesised with a heavy dose of prozac. tagboard
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Seeds
Here's a little story I would like to share with the wide web.Once upon a time, I had a friend. We were young, a little wild, and always together. She was passionate and uninhibited, whereas I was unpredictable. I'd push her off the cliff and jump after her, or I might root her to the ground keeping us both in line; it never mattered since we were a fitting contrast that set each other afire. There were secrets whispered to one another in the dark of the night, notes passed between us in between classes, promises sang out as loud as our childish voices could carry- We were young, friends of friends, and we thought it could go on forever. We were young, ignorant, and stupid. Time goes on and it has always done, meting out trials and tribulations evenly throughout its passage. My friend and I kept as close a contact as we could, but the inevitable gradually happened and our friendship ended up stretched thin. Even so, whenever we met, the old flame rekindled and time rewound itself for our sakes and it seemed as if everything was all right with the world. Well, that's obviously not what happened. There were sporadic moments of insanity such as that but they were brief flashes of fireworks that quickly fizzled out into the depths of darkness with every passing year, every milestone, and each time we met we grew a little more and soon enough we were growing out of touch with one another. The only thing that kept us going was the belief that the other is the same person she was ages ago. We- I, had this crazy ideal of her teenaged self back then, and was constantly comparing the past and the present, searching for familiar values that we used to share. I was always extremely excited and nervous at the prospect of seeing her, and I was always disappointed with her by the end of the day. There were too many changes too big for me to handle, and yet I refused to let go of my hopes, which by then was turning into a delusion, and the mask I had learned to put on around her was killing me. She was my secret self and now she's growing into a something unnamed. One day, she broke a promise we made as children. One might consider it as an empty promise given our frame of mind but I think it is precisely this innocence and purity that made the promise sacred. She broke it and I made excuses for her in my mind and I forced myself to forgive her for it and I forced myself to forget it but I never, ever, did. I hated her. I hated myself. I couldn't trust her. I was reluctant to get to know new people. I began to think of friendship as a formality and a form of convenience. I had very low expectations of people. It seemed as if they were all back stabbing and bad mouthing one another as soon as the other party is out of earshot. I had very low of expectations of myself and didn't believe that anybody could actually be bothered with me. It was another impossibility though. No man is an island and I am not an exception. There are still kindred spirits out there, much to my surprise and horror. As much as I disliked it, I could not not trust people. A stranger that waited for the lonesome me after a lecture because they seemed to truly enjoy my companionship was a frightful beginning of another troublesome yet highly entertaining journey. A mistake on my part that pushed a beast out of a gentle giant and crippled us both into a sobbing wreck showed me that there are people who care enough to be hurt by my stupidity, and a story shared is a lesson learned. My apathy is no immovable mountain and there are still people whom I can truly open up my heart to. I have already come to terms with my old friend a long time ago. I was just finding it difficult to find the value in humankind, myself included, worthy to give any ounce of faith. Perhaps, it is time to shake up my world again and let the dreaded emotions roll in without logic or reasoning. Perhaps, we are ready to trust again, and throw faith out in the open. But we did say we learned our lesson, so expect barbed wires all around. At least it's no longer gated. Good night and good morning. |